COLEShotflow

 

My friends ask me if i'm doin ok, but it all depends if you call today.
So i guess that means i'm not doin so good,
& i'd forget about you baby if I could.

My friends ask me how i am tonight, & if i've heard from you then i'll be doin aiite.
And thas the trouble with the situation,
we go up & down, in & out of love.

It\'s a "circle game" I don\'t wanna play.
I think I'm over it and then I hear your name.
& get lostt in the sound & i can't findd my way out.
It's a circle game, nothins gonna change.
Better half of me is tellin me to lose your name.
& get lostt in the sound & i can't findd my way out.

Everyday is different, but it feels the same.
My mood goes up & down with every move you make.
If I could I\'d get myself off this ride,
& we\'d be on the same page at the samee time.

It\'s a "circle game" I don't wanna play.
I think I'm over it and then I hear your name.
& get lostt in the sound & i can't findd my way out.
It\'s a circle game, nothins gonna change.
Better half of me is tellin me to lose your name.
& get lostt in the sound & i can't findd my way out.

I want off of this merry go roundd.
It keeps spinnin me round & roundd.
It gets hard to breath, when you're not wit me.
And an hour can feel like eternity.
So baby...
why we keep goin round & round & round,
we go where we stop we never know.
Round & round & round we go, where we stop we never know.
Round & round & round we go, where we stop we never know.
Round & round & round we go,
It\'s a circle game.

my comp crashed so i was not able to update this very useful fricken thing.

 

Saturday November 22

I bled from an abnormal place thurs & was really scared.

i called my mom & after the second most comforting person, him.

he was shocked, consoled me & quickly hung up b.c fam was there.

i understood & expected his call the next day but nada.

fri passed & so did sat without a ring.

i found it messed up that he didn\'t care. we spoke all the time, but when i need him the most he was...nowhere to be found.

he IMed me like nothing & i didn\'t say much.

Thanksgiving came & i was thankful for it.

 

 

 

 

Friday Novemeber 14th

Me & him had an arguement b.c he didn\'t ask to see me.

I asked him if I could go & he totally avoided my question.

several times.

i became forocious & attacked his personality.

without noticing of course.

 

Later i got the stupid call from my friend Subi

drama as usual with one of my guy "friends" 

 

That night I smoked weed til I couldn\'t smoke anymore.

I went to a party & called him from the bathroom.

I then told my friends I was going outside & walked back to my room.

We talked til noon.

 

That very early morning of Sat the 19th I found out a few revelations.

 

the fact that my attack on his personality actually hurt him

and that he never wanted to get together, he wanted to fuck girls but have me too.

of course he wouldn\'t say that but i pulled it out of him like teeth

as i pulled each tooth i cut my fingers on them & bled profusely.

 

that afternoon i awoke sober & the emotions i experiences were all too real.

raw, uncut, i felt sad, angry, miserable, helpless, like dying, plus a whole lot more.

i texted my friend & she said she was on her way home.

so i asked him if i could goto his place.

he prob heard the despartion in my voice.

& agreed imediately.

i hopped in her car & trecked over there.

sunday afternoon i didn\'t goto my friends birthday brunch & slept in his bed.

i stayed until monday & forgot most of what had happened.

until i awoke mon night startled until i spotted him & realized everything was okay...

 

so i saw him tues & wed

 

everything was  p  e  r  f  e  c  t

 

 

then i initiated to see him on sat & he said it was cool

 

but everything was a  d  i  s  a  s  t  e  r

 

 

he could have his way with my body but not kiss my lips. not even when we parted.

 

& now my emotions are half departed.

 

he seems like he wants it all to end.

so i guess i'll give that to him

i'll leave him alone

i'll only pick up the phonee

but when it's ringing

not to give him a ring

 

they say i'm strong

but in reality i am the exact opposite

i have no control

so i quit cold turkey.

l0ve is blind.

& it'll take over your mind.

 

 

i'm here now.-with him.

hidin to write this.

 

everythins goin well.

 

 

but as always, lets see when i leave.

 

being his friend at this point is one of the hardest things i ever had to do

it's b.c he t0ld me that he always felt for me & the reason he can't be with me is b.c i'm far



it may sound like he's playing with my heart but he's not, i'm not t h a t stupid



all along he's been his old sweet self with a few mean comments in between

but like i told him "i know you're a genuine person inside but sometimes with the comments you say you're a monster. & i have no other explanation for it but that you're heartless"


thing is he's done messed up stuff in the past but he always finds a way to justify it into a reason that makes me look dumb

EX: like when we broke up & he didn't open the door when i was outside his house n made me cry. but he later told me he didn't want to yell at me & be mean & for me to have sex with him to try to get him back cuz i would regret it.


so i told him to justify the hurtful comments he said lately & he sed

"sometimes he acts like an asshole so i won't want to be together"


so he doesn't want me to hurt and miss him.
it's hard b.c that makes me want to be with him so much more
ahh my feelings are strong

& now we're "friends"
but how do you do it ?