COLEShotflow

i've tried everything i could & still he sees right through me.

i traveled over two hours, spent the lasts of my $$, been sexually submissive & ALL TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.


(^ i just accidentally hit caps lock but that actually fits there & u can't see it with the layout but I can)

he doesn't want to be with me.

he doesn't want to be with me.


so why am i still such a dumb bitch.

i can't even stop talking to him.

talking to him murders me.

but i still can't let go

maybe he's right...maybe i am a pussy




he was also right when he said that i've been good b.c he's "been in the picture"


truth is i've passed up on some sexual encounters that i actually wanted because of him.


i never wanted to be less than perfect for him. brand new untouched in the plastic or opened but no other kids ever played with me.


thing is i don't know how to think for myself anymore.


so what happens now ?
you got a fun little ride out of it(haha physically & figuratively)


but what happens to me.


truth is

i don't know what the truth is.

sometimes passion flows thru me
& it comes out so stupidly
it permeates the invisible muzzle
& is no longer confined to my little bubble.

6318481125: i hate you. You are a ugly bitch that messes with any guy. you should stop before u get aids and die. good luck nicole.

yay i'm envied :]

i have this thing for him,
it's called unconditional;; undying;; freaking blind;; love.
it's been like 6 months since we been broken up
but theres so much history before that
friends for 3 yrs
dating for a yr
on & off for another year
& on and off "friends" since january.


he's been there thru all my teenage years..literally. we met when i was 13 & i'm now 19/he's 20.
i can't seem to let him go, i guess he can't let me go either b.c i'm not the only whos kept in touch.


thing is i'm not anywhere near obcessed or heartbroken
i could completely live w.o him
thing is- i don't want to.



he was my first n only love
i've had other love experiences but it never felt like his.


i can't describe every little thing about him anymore b.c it's been 9 months already since i last saw him but i still keep so many memories in my mind that i could write a book on all of them


noone cud ever make me care about them like him b.c it's hard for me to care for guys these days. even if i really like them. i get over them in 5 minutes flat.

his kiss is gentle but just aggressive enough to make me linger for more and his personality in so conjuncted with mine that we could talk from 10pm til 8am without much effort.

like last night

and thing is no matter how much time passes nothing changes. i mean we may mature and change and our situations may change, but our chemistry never seems to.


it's hard b.c i feel like i won't ever be able to feel that way with someone else & so far i've been right.


i don't know if he still wants to be with me tho.

the other day i proclaimed my love for him & he said he didn't know if he felt the same way because it's been so long.

but i don't know if he means that or if its just b.c i'm away at my second year of college & i didn't come home much when we tried to be together last yr

once upon a time i was amazing

i was smart,fashion forward,friendly, & energetic

the word A went very well with my name, without much effort

i would grace the sidewalks of NYC like a fashionista with my best threds on

a million "hi's" would come out of my lips daily as i enthusiastically smiled

parties were something much wanted at any chance & cost

i was a girl with an open mind and an even farther opened heart.

loving for me was an understatement


i am n o t h i n g like i was

in fact i am nothing

i scurry 20 minutes before a test flipping through pages in a book trying to remember at least 1 stupid fact about the stupid course

i could care less about what adorns my body

i scurry past people i know hoping/ praying that they won't notice me

i find any excuse to stay in, away, shielded in the arms of my bed

a callused heart makes it almost impossible to feel

it's so difficult to show i care for anything, but deep down i do care i care too much

so much that i've become numb

i think pink floyd put it best... comfortably numb